Warranty Expiring Soon

So... the big 3-0 is looming in the not so distant future. 27 business days to be exact... I know I know, its "only 30" but as Christie and I were talking about the other day... we shouldn't be having these major health problems at "only 30".

I've been having shoulder/neck pain for quite a few months now, and have been seeing the chiropractor and getting regular massages, but nothing short of od'ing on vicodin numbs the pain, and I'm not really trying to get hooked on the pain killers. Sometimes its even so bad at night that I wake up crying.

So, I go back to the doctor on Monday to talk to him about my shoulder and how the anti-inflammatories he gave me didn't help, he referred me to an orthopedic doctor who should have taken 6 weeks to get an appointment with. I called on Monday and I lucked out and was able to get an appointment today Tuesday (although I realize I am now writing this on Wednesday, but you get the point). Extremely lucky and a blessing to get in much sooner than 6 weeks from now.

He did a bunch of tests poking and prodding and then ordered a ton of x-rays. They couldn't get the x-rays right so they had to retake most of them, which was annoying and tiresome as well. So, they take me back to the room, the doctor comes in and puts the first one up on the board, says that the shoulder joint looks good, intact no sign of calcification. Second, there is a small bone spur on the collar bone but not much to worry about at this point. Then he puts up the x-ray of my neck, to which he quickly proclaims "your neck sucks". My heart sinks into my stomach thinking what the heck does that mean. He points out all the osteophytes and that my neck is in serious stages of deterioration. Which is way strange, since I saw the x-rays 2 years ago when I had all the face numbness problems and there were no signs of any of these things. How could I have deteriorated that quickly in 2 years???

He wants me to try c-spine traction therapy and exercises but the outlook isn't that great. Most likely I'll have to see a neck specialist and eventually end up having surgery (I believe a similar surgery to the one Christie had.) UGH.

I had similar narrowing of my lumbar spine but as of yet hadn't had osteophytes there, dang, I'm thinking I should have that rechecked since those x-rays were done 2 years ago as well.

Doctor said I have a much older neck than I should have, he estimated it to be a 45-55 year old neck. How the heck did it get in my 29 year old body is what I want to know... Did I get abducted by aliens and have my spine swapped out? What the heck???

So yea, that's why I say my warranty is expiring soon... Because it feels that way... and I'm only going to be 30!!!

On a cool note, I might be getting to work on STP when they come to Tucson in June. I've got 1 person ahead of me on the list, so here's to hoping something comes up and they can't make it. :)

Wife Swap - A Look at Perspective

Watching the show "Wife Swap" today I was saddened by the "Christians" they were showing. Super uber-religious Bible thumping Christian family swapped with a very New Age hippy family.

The hippy wife was very accommodating with the new family and was open to all that they had to offer. I was appalled at the way the religious woman's friends who came over to visit and meet the hippy wife. They bombarded her and didn't let her answer when they started along the religious questions, they mocked her when hippy wife said she believed in God, she had grown up catholic etc... Attacking her, rather than getting to know her and finding out where she was coming from. Ugh, I probably can't explain it as well as I would like here, but to put it plain and simple I can see why the world thinks Christains are judgemental jerks that don't care about anything but their way of life.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in astrology, or that its ok to worship spirits and having solstice parties etc. But I also don't think we should completely reject the people that practice those things because I don't agree with their lifestyle.

And on the other side, the uber-religious lady was in the hippy home and the whole time she only wanted to preach and share her views, but would not allow the family to share their life, their views. She said she was being tested and very uncomfortable, but would not acknowledge that the family was bending over backwards to accommodate her. How can one only want to share views but be completely and totally close-minded as to not even listen to another viewpoint.

How is that approachable? Why on EARTH would someone want to know about Jesus and the relationship that one can have with Him, if those representing Him don't care about others. I remember Josh talking awhile back about being too pagan for Christians, and too Christian for pagans, and I hope I'm in that balance. Never would I want to be seen as a close-minded Christian.

I know its cliche, but people don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care. That rings extremely true after that show.

Feeling A Little Lost

Went to church tonight, and I realized something. I'm feeling a little lost and out of place. I thought I was trucking along doing pretty well. But not until I was sitting there amidst my Christian brothers and sisters did I truly feel how empty I have become. Not really sure what to do about this.

Yes I have strayed, yes I have been living a worldly life, but at the same time, I haven't gone off the deep end. I'm just not right on target.

My heart ached being there, and people asked me how I was doing, to which I quickly said, I'm ok and you. Pushing the focus off of myself onto them. Disconnected, empty and feeling alone.

Not a fun feeling. Feeling alone while surrounded by a group.

New Car

So... I'm totally loving having a new car. I bought seat covers, floor mats, got the windows tinted. I've spent more on sprucing up the car than I have on food or anything else recently. The tinting is super dark and is supposed to keep out 50% of the UV rays, compared than the average 20-30%.

I was very sad yesterday when it rained, because that means my car isn't clean anymore. :( So... I'll be heading to the car wash very soon. :) So obsessed. But hey, its my first car purchase on my own. I've got to take care of it!!

Healthwise I'm getting better each day, but I still have days where I have major set backs and severe pain. I can't wait til I'm past all of this, hopefully it won't be for too much longer.

T-19 days til my birthday...

A Memorial Day to Remember

I spent today, not in the American traditional sense of Memorial Day of reflecting on the military and those who have served and who have fallen to allow me to live in a nation with the freedoms that I do. And don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for the life that I do have.

I just didn't spend today with much thought on that at all. I woke up late relaxed (not unusual for a holiday). Ended up going over to my friends' house for a bbq (myself and another couple were the ones who showed up). I have known the hosting couple (Jacob and Samantha) for something like 10 or so years now but until 2 weeks ago I hadn't seen them in about 5 years. This has happened to me a lot lately running into and reconnecting with people years after I last saw them. Was a great night, we all had lots to share about "coincidences" (not so coincidental). It was a great time of fellowship, great food and conversation. (And now I have like 10 new movies to add to my Netflix list, ha)

Just again and again I'm reminded of where I've been. Who I've been. Who I want to be who I don't want to be again.

Another excerpt from the book I'm reading "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shawn Claiborne...

"I've met a lot of Christians who say, "If people knew about all of my struggles and weaknesses, they would never want to be a Christian." I think just the opposite is true. If people really knew what idiots we are, in all our brokeness and vulnerability, they would know that they can give this thing a shot too. Christianity is for sick people. Rich Mullins used to say, "Whenever people say, 'Christians are hypocrites,' I say, 'Duh, we are hypocrites, weaklings in need of God and each other.'" We know that we cannot do life alone, and the good news is that we don't have to. We are created for community."

The sermon Sunday hit on being too Christian for the pagans and too pagan for the Christians... again... another place where balance is key. I get it God... you want me to keep searching for balance.

After reading and cleaning part of my room (or the sty known as my room) I found what I was looking for so that gave me the justification to take a break and do something other distraction.

Shawn sent me the chords for my new theme song, so I pulled out my guitar and played it over and over. It has been at least 6 months since I played my guitar, needless to say my fingers are sore. I sorta have the song down now, but then I just felt it in my heart to sing and keep praising God. I haven't had that urge come from my heart in a long time. I played the songs that I could from memory, singing them at the top of my lungs. I'm glad my place is well insulated so that my neighbors didn't suffer from my out of tune guitar (the battery in my tuner is dead and I'm fresh out of 9 volt batteries) and off key singing. But it didn't matter I sang anyway and had an awesome time just me and Jesus. (well, the puppies were here too, but they just kept chewin' away at their bones and left me be.)

So... that's a praise, I feel like I had a breakthrough with my heart and being able to worship God.

Lyrics that Spoke to Me

RUSH OF FOOLS UNDO LYRICS

I've been here before, now here I am again
Standing at the door, praying You'll let me back in
To label me a prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Chorus

Turn me around pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, need Your help
I can't do this myself
You’re the only one who can undo
What I've become

I focused on the score, but I could never win
Trying to ignore, a life of hiding my sin
To label me a hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface of who I've been known to be

Chorus

Make every step lead me back to
The sovereign way that You


The line that stands out to me the most is... "You're the only one who can do What I've become"

No matter what preparations I do, or things I give up, or checklists of requirements I set for myself to be worthy to be a part of community again, its not me. Christ is the only one who can undo what I became/changed to in the last year. It seems so simple really, I keep hearing the message... You don't have to do anything to be worthy to come back, just come back, be here, you have a clean slate. It makes so much sense, but then I let that voice creep back into my head. "you have to earn it... you have to prove that you're worthy to be involved, you have to earn trust again, not only your own, but others".

So I guess my prayer tonight would be, that I could truly drop this burden that I feel I need to "earn" my way back, and just come back, as I am... And see where that takes me.

How do I use my gifts?

"One of the best things communities like ours do is carve out a space for people to discern and redefine their vocations. Vocation comes from the same root as voice, denoting the hearing of a divine call."

"Beyond knowing that God has a purpose for our lives, most of us (especially non-Catholics) spend little energy seeking our vocation, especially in light of how the needs and sufferings of our neighbors might inform how we use our gifts for divine purposes. There are plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, for they have not listened to God's call."

"...many Christians who are not fulfilled in their spiritual lives because they have no sense of their gifts or purpose, and they just run to the mission field to save souls rather than transform lives and communities using their gifts and those of the people they live among. Both lead to emptiness and burnout."

These three excerpts all come from pg 138 of Shane Claiborne's book "The Irresistable Revolution - Living as an ordinary radical"

These paragraphs stood out to me today, because it's where I feel I am at. I switched away from being an accountant to being a massage therapist, because that is where God was leading me. That I am sure of. Now the balance of those two professions is the question. And how do I use my gifts and how are my gifts interwoven with my vocations? I know the gift of discernment is tied to what makes me gifted as a therapist.

I know I am creating more questions than answers. And I know there is not going to be a simple answer, and its going to take time. But I took almost a year off, turned myself off from questioning, asking, seeking. Question is, now what?